Why do you Self Sabotage in Relationships? And how to stop the pattern.
I was having some fun on social media as one does and I caught sight of a Live Feed where a woman asked a dating coach, “Why do we self sabotage ourselves in love?”
So here I thought I would to try to answer that question from my perspective. I will be offering some answers based on my research, professional and personal experiences and deep dives into the shadows and darkness of past clients.
As a social worker, psychotherapist and life coach. No matter what the circumstances or goals might be, a topic that almost always comes up in my work with clients is the topic of love and relationships.
People are most. eager to find loving and healthy relationships but often they find that love stays out of arm’s reach. For some, the dating scene is full of complicated people and for others it is quite possible that they are complicating things for themselves. Complicated things for themselves?! How? There could be a variety of reasons why someone is complicating things for themselves in love, but today we will be talking about SELF SABOTAGE.
But first let’s look at the definition of Self Sabotage. Google defines Self Sabotage as :”When someone intentionally or unintentionally hinders their own success or well being. It can involve actions or inactions that create problems in daily life and interfere with long term goals.”So women and men (but this blog is mostly aimed at women) may be engaging in actions/behaviors that create problems in their love life and get in the way of their goals of having a healthy, happy long term relationship.
So what are some signs of self sabotage in love and dating you may ask? I will include some common behaviors, but this list is in no way meant to be exhaustive.
Not going out and actually meeting people or putting themselves out there.
Always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.
Thinking that relationships are “supposed” to easy or “really, really hard.”
Dating the same types of guys over and over again, even though you have had bad experiences with that type before.
Ending a relationship or refusing to get more serious in a relationship when it feels too “calm” or “boring.”
Refusing to have deeper conversations, or moments of vulnerability when it may be appropriate.
Believing that you can love a man enough to change him or change his mind.
Starting fights for no reason or making efforts to drive them away.
Going ghost, stone walling or refusing to talk about things when there are challenges or things get tricky or hard.
Shaking things up because you feel lonely, inadequate or bad about yourself.
There are some common behaviors that will drive you away from others or keep you from creating happier, long term relationships.
But why might people self sabotage?
They might not have known what a healthy, happy relationship looks like and are looking for what is familiar to them. For example, if you grew up in a chaotic home, you might be used to chaotic environments, friends or partners. but this doesn’t mean that it is normal or healthy. Familiar doesn’t always mean normal or good. Unfortunately, people will continue to look for what they are used to even though it is making them feel awful.
You might be afraid of getting deeper in a relationship and the relationship then ending. This is a tricky one because love can feel so nice, but what happens when that love ends, when someone breaks up with you or leaves you for someone else? Most people are afraid of the negative feelings like rejection, loneliness, a change in self esteem and might not trust themselves to support themselves over this hurdle. So they may prevent themselves from getting into a deeper relationship to begin with. Or they may look for a shiny, brand new relationship to jump into if they feel a demise in their current relationship, so they avoid the pain of losing that other person.
People might not have the skills they need to be in a healthy relationship. Believe it or not, some people don’t have the best communication skills, some people do not have good emotion regulation skills, some people do not have good conflict management skills or some people do not know the healthy habits needed to maintain and happy, healthy loving relationship. Some people continue to have a tough time in love because they don’t have the skills that they need to venture out into the relationship world.
So how might one begin to overcome these patterns or behaviors?
Become aware of your own self sabotaging patterns. What are the things that you may be doing that is keeping love away from you. Is it your attitude ? Is it a few things that you do? Sit down a make a list girlfriend, because if you don’t do this one step, you will continue to drive people away ! Checking in with trusted friends, family or a therapist/coach about this may be a good place to start.
Accept that you may be Self Sabotaging! There is no purpose in doing the first exercise if you are going to make a list, shrug your shoulders and then say “ I don’t have a problem!”. Just with anything in life that needs a change, you have to accept what is going on in order to change it. Acceptance does not mean that you love this problem, it just means that you are acknowledging what is happening in your life.
Make a list or educate yourself on what a healthy, happy relationship may look like. What are the qualities of this relationship? How might the person you date brings themselves to this relationship? And how do you bring yourself into the relationship? What are the attitudes, characteristics, behaviors, values that exist in this space? And how do the people involved contribute to that? If you are not sure, I would not necessarily base your education on Disney movies or fairy tales. Do some research. Read a book that talks about healthy relationships ( do not read a book by one of those podcast bros, k? They tend to be negative and very extreme), take a workshop, listen to a podcast by some reputable professionals, discuss what this might look like with your therapist or coach, or actually get a therapist or if you don’t have one as they will help you learn some valuable skills! Educate yourself and learn to decondition your old views and behaviors! Out with the old and in with the new!
Develop and learn new skills! Learn about the skills needed to create healthy relationships. Learn about positive communication, learn how to handle your emotions, learn how to support yourself, learn how to set boundaries, learn about red flags and standards, learn various ways to improve your self worth and self esteem, learn how to engage in healthy conflict management, learn how to deal with boredom (this is why some people engage in very chaotic behaviors or why some jump from relationship to relationship), learn about your values and learn how to take care of yourself ! All of these skills matter! And if you don’t know about any of these things, don’t fret! You can learn! History is full of people who have been able to change their lives because they tried something new. Do not beat yourself up if your relationships haven’t been the best until now, but learn that there is hope and as long as you are trying, you have a great chance of being happy ( either with someone else or by yourself!. But to get you started and if you love to read, here is another book recommendation for you today: Loving Bravely : 20 Lessons of Self Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want by Alexandra Solomon. For those that don’t want to read a full book yet, stay tuned as future blog posts will focus on bite sized lessons of these various skills.
Have a positive attitude. Make space for the possibility that you can do this. Be open to the possibility that you can learn to take care of yourself and that you can learn new things. The more you give yourself a chance, the more you are likely to succeed. So get out there and do it!
This blog post was a little shorter, but still valuable. I hope you take into consideration possible self sabotage behaviors that you may be engaging in as well as some ideas on how to begin overcoming them.
Stay tuned for more tips in the future! You will enjoy what I have to offer.
Happy Reading!