signs of toxic relationships and how to heal from them
Torn Heart
Do you feel as if many of your relationships aren’t quite working out? Do you feel like you keep attracting the wrong types? Do you suspect that there is toxicity at play here?
Well, keep reading this blog post, because we are going to cover whether you could be having toxic relationships , whether others in your life or even you could have toxic traits and what to do to heal from toxic stuff and trauma.
My work is focused on empowering women and on helping women feel good about themselves. Additionally, my work is focused on helping women heal from things that may have plagued them and gotten in the way of many things… including having a happy, healthy relationship.
As I grow professionally and in my wisdom and knowledge, I hope to share what I learn with you all here.
After spending a few weeks studying intergenerational trauma, I want to share what I have learned here and how trauma may lead to toxic relationships, behaviors and traits.
To put it simply, trauma is not only what may have happened directly to you. But trauma can also come from what happened to your ancestors and in the environment around you. Trauma can be contributed to by your culture ( ex. patriarchy, religion), family values, beliefs, and practices (ex. toxic masculinity, individualism, machismo, keeping secrets), systems of oppression( ex. colonialism, capitalism, racism, sexism, etc.) and the natural environment ( for example, remember the recent global pandemic?) Google defines trauma as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. It is the memory of these distressing or disturbing experiences that can cause dysfunction in your life and your relationships.
Trauma can come from one big event ( like violence or a natural disaster) or a collection of smaller events( like bullying or being invalidated) that left it’s imprint on your mind and body. As a result of trauma, people may develop a trauma response to life. Sometimes the response makes sense at the time for the sake of survival ( like being vigilant in what may seem like unsafe places) and other times the responses actually make things in your life worse (like fighting with others when there is no reason to).
Research shows that trauma can change your nervous system, can change your brain and even change your cells. These changes can be passed down from generation to generation, can be imprinted in cellular memory and can even make you sensitive as to how you deal with conflicts or challenges in your everyday life. What also can be passed down are harmful attitudes, harmful ways of doing things, harmful ways of coping with life, harmful practices and harmful beliefs. Taking all of this into consideration, it is possible that toxic relationships and toxic traits were experienced by your ancestors, and modeled for your parents who then modeled them for you. Or you learned from your culture, that toxic relationships or behaviors were normal and acceptable- even though they really are not. While the impact of trauma is great, it is something that can be healed so that you no longer pass the trauma down.
Healing from trauma is possible and in order to heal from the trauma of toxic relationships it is important to begin with recognizing harmful, toxic traits in relationships. If you are aware of what traits are problematic in others or in you, you have a greater chance of stopping or breaking the cycle. If you break the cycle, you have a better chance of creating a healthier life for yourself and for your future lineage or other family members.
Here are some examples of toxic traits in relationships:
Controlling, jealous or possessive behavior. People are not property and this behavior can cause problems with one's friends, family, school or work, cause resentment or lead to more harmful behaviors.
Lack of accountability or responsibility for mistakes, behaviors or slip ups. The inability to see fault in oneself or apologize for what one does, makes everyone else the problem- Making it harder for that person to change or agree to “work on things.”
Not honoring boundaries or limitations. Not being able to hear no. Not listening to another’s request to STOP a specific behavior. Continuing a behavior that you have been asked to stop. The disrespect and violation is real here.
Psychological abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, any type of abuse.
Limiting one’s resources or limiting a person’s access to people, places or institutions.
Manipulation of others to get what one wants. This includes lying, gaslighting, omitting information or cajoling/pestering others to get what one wants.
Being highly negative, pessimistic, or critical of others. This infects the relationship and can damage someone’s sense of self esteem and self worth.
Displaying cruel and spiteful behavior. For example, locking someone out of their own home.
Intentional intimidation or threats. Intentional efforts to make others feel unsafe.
Treating others as if they are less than.
Creating intentional chaos for others.
The inability to control negative emotions such as anger, setbacks or disappointments- This may put right in the crossfire of trying to figure out what to do with this. If they can’t cope- you are going to be in for a world of stress.
Forcing your beliefs or attitudes on someone else. Trying to force someone to change or trying to affect outcomes for them. Not letting people live or be who they are.
When these traits are abundant, relationships and the mental/physical health of the people involved suffer. But when you are aware of these traits, you are better informed and able to look out for, avoid or leave relationships that are toxic.
“But , what if I have been trying to leave a toxic relationship or stop toxic behaviors and it hasn’t worked?”
Some first steps to healing…
Learn to heal and support your nervous system. Learn about your emotions, your feelings, your bodily sensations, thoughts and urges. This is part of what is called emotional regulation. Look for triggers that might make you feel upset, anxious, nervous, etc. Learn how your nervous system is activated during times of stress. And learn various ways on how to soothe your nervous system, how to calm and relax your nervous system and have a plan for how to help your nervous system feel safer. Doing regular practices centered on healing your nervous system makes you feel more capable of handling life’s other challenges and helps you feel better over the long term.
Heal your inner child. Trauma often leaves inner child wounds that leave us feeling vulnerable and sensitive during times of stress. By learning about your inner child wounds, you can begin to understand what you needed as a child and begin the process of trying to reparent yourself .Give yourself doses of things you might have needed in childhood such as words of encouragement, gentleness, kindness, compassion, play, certain experiences, etc. What sorts of things might you have lacked in childhood as a result of trauma and what is a practical and simple way to get a touch of that in your everyday life ?
Think about your values and what you want out of a relationship long term. Do you want a relationship where you are always crying about or fighting with someone? The answer should be NO. Think about what a healthy relationship might be like and think about the qualities or traits a healthy relationship or person should have.If you are not sure, spend some time researching the qualities or traits of a healthy partner. You might even have a healthy and serious conversation with someone who’s opinion you respect about this issue. Once you are clear about these things, you will have an easier time identifying who might be a good fit for your long term goal. The more you know, the better you are able to weed out people who do not align to your long term goals.
Practice having GOOD and SOLID standards and boundaries. Standards are rules for yourself on what you will and will not accept in your life. If your standards are low or if you fail to set good boundaries, you will likely continue letting toxic people into your life or continue to perpetuate toxic behaviors. Standards and boundaries and being accountable to them make it more likely that you will only allow healthier and better people in your life. But if you continue to be blah about your standards, if you continue to break your own boundaries, you will continue to be around people who will create chaos in your life.
Get some damn hobbies and pursue your interests. When you do things that put a smile on your face, make you feel accomplished, creative, smart or engaged, you are less likely to feel emptiness or less likely to give your life over to a loser. Make an effort to make your life full and fun SOLO, so you are less likely to accept toxic men that only offer empty promises and lies.
Learn about LOVE BOMBING, so you can avoid it. Love bombing is when a person displays OVER THE TOP, lovey dovey behaviors that are INSINCERE. They may make promises, they may say they love you after a day or two and they might say they to want to move in and have children with you right away, but when things like this happen, it is likely that this relationship will not last, or it is a manipulation to get something out of you. Know that their objective is to make you feel good so you let your guard down. But when you are actively trying to take care of yourself from the get go, these efforts will be seen for what they are and you will move on .
Build a solid support system. Try your very hardest, and put in your most sincere efforts to create a support system with good people in it. When you have good people in your life that are supportive and encouraging, you have people who can help guide you out of tough situations or help you heal from tough stuff. If making friends is hard, then do some research on what healthy friendships are like and practice putting those skills into play. Make an effort to be part of a group where you feel that trust and safety are treasured. Because when you have a good support system, you are less likely to feel alone, and you are less likely to put up with bullshit behavior all because you feel lonely.
Get some therapy, join a therapeutic group or really make an effort to read and try skills from a self help book. We all need a little support and guidance sometime. There is no shame in getting help or in getting someone to teach you about these things. When you get structured support, you chances of success are pretty good as long as you make a real effort.
So there you have it. Trauma can be very difficult stuff to live with and can lead to toxic traits or behaviors. However, when this happens it doesn’t mean that you are doomed forever or that you won’t ever find real healthy love. You can learn to heal, as many people have done the work and have demonstrated in the past, and with healing comes positive change. What are you waiting for?
Wishing you all love and healing energy,