feeling angry and resentful all the time? You may be ignoring your needs.

Woman with hands over her face in anger

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Have you been feeling overwhelmed? Angry? Resentful? Tired? Overextended? If you have been feeling off lately. I want you to answer these two questions for me.

Q1: Have you been paying too much attention to the needs of your spouse/boyfriend, children and/or family?

Q2: Who are you when you are not taking care of someone else?

If you have answered “YES” to question 1 and “ I don’t fucking know anymore!” to question 2, you have fallen victim to the patriarchal trap of forgetting to take care of yourself.

If you have been feeling sad, lonely, overwhelmed, stressed, angry and resentful- it could be because you or other people in your life have been putting too much pressure on you to DO MORE, BE MORE and SHUT UP and SMILE ABOUT IT.

No wonder you have been feeling like you are being pulled in a million different directions! Because you have been! And you have been forgetting to take care of yourself. How in the hell are you supposed to function in this world like this?

I have been working in a super top secret program ( not really, but I have been working in the Maternal Mental Health program at my day job) where I have learned all about the hot gossip and annoying realizations that pregnant and post partum mothers have shared. And here is the truth: being a woman and being a mom in this country is HARD!

Not only are we dealing with less than ideal laws and policies that DON’T SUPPORT MOTHERS and FAMILIES, but we are also dealing with terrible ideologies that expect women to give it up and do it all!

HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO DO IT ALL ? HAVE YOU BEEN IGNORING YOUR OWN HEALTH AND MENTAL HEALTH NEEDS?

The answer might be YES.

Now if your answer is yes. Don’t come down too hard on yourself. You have been socialized by society to think that this is the way it is or should be. BUT, things have changed girlfriend. You are a beautiful, whole, human. You matter in this world and you deserve to take care of yourself.

Now how do you actually start doing this?

1) Take care of the basics. Drink your water. Try to get some sleep (squeeze in some nap time too if you can). Eat a warm meal once in a while (none of this waiting until everyone else is served first to eat!). Create some movement that is not just chore related ( stiffness really sucks and it helps with injury prevention). Go to the doctor and get your check ups. Get some MF therapy or coaching to help support your mind and learn healthy coping skills. If your body is falling apart, how are you supposed to do the rest of your life tasks?!

2) Learn about your values again.While your values may include love and family, you have more than just those 2! Values are what gives life purpose and when one loses sight of their values, life starts to feel a little smaller. Living in your values makes life expansive. What do you value and how are you living in a way that honors your various values? Do you value friendship, education, spirituality, creativity, connection, passion, activism, respect, career, etc? Do activities and things that are a reflection of your values. If you don’t know where to start, here is a list of values to take a look at. Circle 10 and think of different ways you can start working towards living in those values more and more each day. You will start to notice a difference, I promise.

3. HAVE SOME FUN. All work and no play, sounds like hell on earth to me. Have you been forgetting to schedule a little bit of fun for yourself? You are a multidimensional person! Fun, laughter and joy is needed! And sometimes, this is experienced by yourself or with a group of different people. You are not a bad person for taking some time away. You are not selfish for scheduling in a little play time. I don’t know about you but why is it that everyone else gets to have some fun and you can’t? You are a grown adult and you get to make some choices. Start scheduling some fun, even if it is small. Is it reading a raunchy book, taking a walk to get some Slurpees and candy by yourself, is it picking some flowers, is it going to watch that chick flick you’ve been dying to see ? Pick something and do it ASAP- Because you deserve it.

4. Set some boundaries. Google defines boundaries as personal limits that define what is acceptable behavior to an individual. They help determine what is ok and what is not ok in relationships. Setting boundaries is saying NO to others and saying YES to you. Boundaries are a way to protect yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. And boundaries help you by making sure other people don’t walk all over you or that you don’t walk all over you. If you have been saying yes to everything and everyone, you are not honoring your boundaries. Then you grow in all sorts of negative emotions! So find out what your boundaries are and starting setting them! If you keep ignoring your boundaries, your anger and resentment will grow and you will just feel awful. Please don’t do that to yourself. You can learn how to set boundaries, even if it has been hard for you before. A book recommendation around this topic is :Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide To Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

5. Get some help if possible and relinquish some control. A funny thing I noticed as I was talking to a lot of my moms during my top secret assignment , was that when I asked my moms if there was any way they could get help- if they were able to - the mom’s didn’t relinquish any control. They couldn’t believe that someone could figure out how to help them. Or they believed that others could not do it like they do it. Do not place all of the burdens on yourself! Do not try to figure everything out by yourself! If you have people, communities or organizations (like work programs, training programs, co workers, daycares, churches, after-school programs, respite programs, cleaning services, family, friends , partners/ spouses, etc.) take them up on their offers or make the ask! Ask your boss for some extra time or help on a group project. Get some extra training on something that you have been finding difficult. Ask your partner for some help with the cooking, chores or childcare. Ask your kids to help with chores ( even if they don’t do such a great job). Hire someone once a year to help you do a deep cleaning on the house. The point here is to not burden yourself with every little detail about everything in your life! Life is already hard, why make it harder? Get the help.

While I could go on and on with this post, I won’t. I will keep it short and easy to read. But in doing so, I hope I have been able to share some valuable information and tips that you can implement today to help you start feeling better. Give yourself the time and support you need! You deserve it. And remember, nothing will change if you keep doing the same stuff over and over again. So do something! And see what happens.

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