Stress and My Ex Relationship Gave Me Pain and an Auto Immune Disorder !

Relationships can make you sick.

Woman in pain on a bed.

Did you know that relationships can make you sick?

In 2013, I was diagnosed with an Auto Immune Disorder.

What is an autoimmune disease or an autoimmune disorder? 

An auto immune disease or disorder is when the body’s immune system attacks its own healthy tissues and organs. 

Some symptoms of auto immune disease can be fatigue, joint pain and stiffness, muscle pain and weakness, skin problems like rashes or eczema, digestive issues like abdominal pain, respiratory problems like shortness of breath, fever, weight changes, swelling of glands like lymph nodes,  blood problems like anemia or bruising  or neurological problems like numbness, tingling or vision issues. 

According to the National Institute of Health, Autoimmune Disease affects approximately 8%  of the U.S. population with 78% of those affected being women. 

Autoimmune diseases are the 3rd most common disease in the U.S. after cancer and heart disease. 

While there are various factors that may influence the development of this disorder or disease, I believe that my own diagnosis was triggered by stress.

And research shows that stress can trigger or worsen auto immune disease in women.

In 2012, I was in my last semester of graduate school. I was working towards my Master’s in Social Work at the University of Southern California and I was almost close to graduation. While graduate school is no walk in the park, I was managing to do my school work, attending my internship, getting good grades and being one half of a romantic relationship. 

It was during this time that I began to notice pain in my toes. It felt strange, at times feeling tingly and it started to become a daily occurrence. My school friend suggested that I go to the school health center to check it out. 

When I discussed the symptoms of what had been happening, the school doctor said that it was most likely Reynaud’s Syndrome, a condition that causes blood vessels in the extremities to narrow and leads to things like pain, numbness and discoloration. He said it was most likely due to the cold temperature and that was most likely due to me getting older.

During the last semester of graduate school I was already 2 years into a relationship. We had some good and exciting times, but I had been having stress and anxiety about my  boyfriend because I had high suspicions that he was lying to me and was still in contact with his ex partner. He was also being negative and shared that he didn’t want to come to my graduation and meet my family. I was practically begging him to come. Here was something I was so proud of and he didn’t want to come.

This anxiety was making me crazy, but I didn’t think that it was making me sick. 

After graduation, I found a job that I was happy about and was learning all sorts of things about the community mental health. I got to help people  feel better and put my degree to good use. The job was what I had wanted  all along and it provided me with a much needed benefit: health insurance. The pain got worse. But the health insurance would not kick in for several months and I still didn’t have any answers.

As the pain got worse, it started to spread.The balls of my feet, the arch, the heels, felt like they were on fire and  every step I took was painful. The pain got so bad that it affected the way I walked ( I started to feel like an old woman because I stepped slowly and carefully so as not to feel more pain).I started to dread getting out of bed and placing my feet on the ground. I was only 27.

Months into the job, the rest of body became affected and it spread to the joints in my hands, arms and knees. It was painful to walk-in was painful to hold items, it was hard to open jars or other items, my fingers hurt, my feet hurt and I felt weak. I often cried thinking about what was happening. 

Me and my parents were concerned at what was happening and my boyfriend was mostly annoyed. He did have moments of empathy and sometimes was kind. But when I asked him to rub my hands and fingers when I felt pain, he would, and expressed annoyance at having to do so so often. He would grab my hand and would have to slow down to walk at my pace while I was wearing orthopedic shoes but other times walked ahead of me. 

When I finally got my health insurance, I made an appointment with the Rheumatologist and they diagnosed me with an autoimmune disorder, PolyArthritis Not Otherwise Specified.  The Not Otherwise Specified meant that I didn’t meet the full criteria of a specific type of disease or disorder. But it sure as hell meant something was wrong and I started my medication treatment of Humira.

Humira meant I had to inject myself in the thigh every two weeks with medication. Within a few weeks, my symptoms began to improve and I was able to walk again! I was overjoyed and relieved. I was even inspired to sign up for dance lessons because I wanted to de-stress and have some fun.

I spent many years talking this medication, but I still had a condition. The pain was being managed, but at some point I started to get stomach issues. My stomach was bloated, I felt cramps and I was not interested in sex because I was afraid I would need to use the bathroom. I also suspect the interest in sex changed because I was not feeling connected to my boyfriend at all.

Over the years my relationship did not get better. We fought more often, he became more angry and controlling, we broke up and got back together . We then spent some time in a weird situation-ship where I got blamed for who I dated after he broke up with me!  He said we had to rebuild trust. Mind you, he broke up with me to date a co worker I had been suspicious about.  Any time I tried to talk about things or work on things, he would avoid the conversation. Any time I tried to get him involved in my life or do things like get him to meet my friends, he would try to get out of it. Things were not going well. At some point, we even went to Italy after we had a big fight that I was sure was a break up, but because we paid for everything already we still went ( Word to the unwise: Never go on a romantic trip with someone when you are pretty sure the relationship is over. It ruins the whole trip and makes you wish you went alone or with someone else). The final straw  was when an old friend of his resurfaced and started inviting him out to do single man things. 

This relationship would bring me increased feelings of stress and anxiety to the point where I was just dreading spending time with him.  It did not feel good anymore. Eventually I woke up, got fed up and ghosted out of that relationship. Yes, it was immature, but I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore because I realized my relationship made me sick. 

Yes, I could have handled things differently or left the relationship sooner, but I didn’t. The point is it made me sick.

Soon after my relationship was over. I felt a big sense of freedom and relief. I was no longer worrying about what he was doing, I no longer had anxiety and dread,  I could go out with my friends any time I wanted and I didn’t have to answer to anyone but myself. 

Shortly after my relationship, I began the hard work of taking care of myself again and loving myself more than anyone else. I became engaged in the world again in a meaningful way. I was happier. I was healthier.

Time passed and eventually I got together my current husband, someone I had known already for several years, whom I met in dance class.Yey me for signing up for that dance class!  My husband is kind, supportive, thoughtful, helpful, friendly, well liked, funny and easy going. Being with him is peaceful and I feel at ease.

And you know what? I no longer feel that terrible pain in my feet, hands or joints. I have stopped taking the Humira and those symptoms have not returned.

So what have I learned. Relationships can make you sick. The wrong relationships can make you sick.

So when you hear that relationships can make you sick. Believe it. Because I have lived it and I am pretty sure many other women are living it too.

Being in the right relationships matters to your mental and physical health. If you want to be healthy and happy pick the right people to be in your life. Stress management is important 100%, but if the person you love is the stressor- the problems will not go away.

Because the wrong people can change your life.